The Satan Checklist- The top 6

I am starting a new post called "The Satan Checklist". It is going to contain all the things in this world that I think are from Satan. Now, I want ALOT of viewer input on this. I want this to become a voter list, where you the reader vote on what to add or subtract to the list. Leave me a comment on the blog, or send me a message on Facebook telling me what you think should or should not be in the list. I want it to expand to a Top 20, so here are my first 6 by me.


6. CLOWNS
I remember being maybe 7 or 8 years old when one evening I woke up in the middle of the night. I turned on the television and a show was on that had a clown. I thought it was something for kids...turns out it was Stephen King's "IT" and the clown killed someone and it just about did me in. To this day, I think they are the creepiest things.



5. CELL PHONE COMPANIES
I think most people would agree with me on this one. All cellphone companies, no matter how much they try, no matter what weekly gimics they come up with, they are ALL evil. Yes, T-Mobile, ATT, Verizion, Sprint, Cricket, and whatever else is out there, YOU ARE ALL EVIL! I almost want to follow lead of the Westboro Baptist Church and make a sign that says "GOD HATES CELL PHONES!". They always find a way to come up with bogus and downright illegal charges that you can not fight without a good attorney.

4. UTAH DRIVERS

Everyone says that their city or state has the worst drivers in the country. This is untrue, and is a lie from Satan. It is indeed Utah that has the worst in the country. Now, I have nothing against Interstate 15. I know you are not the one responsible. It is the people who drive on you that causes me concern. It is bad enough that people head bang and sing to heavy metal music going 75mph in a 45mph construction zone. But, do we really need to be doing our makeup, texting, and eating food at the same time? Next time you drive the I-15 and if you agree with me on this, take a moment to thank your interstate for all it does for us, and all the crazy drivers it hosts from hell.

3. MATH

Yes, you heard me. I said math. Satan is the father of math, and therefore it is evil. Remember your parents and teachers always saying "you will end up using this for the rest of your life?" Again, not true. In my 11 years since graduating high school, I have yet to find a reason to do differential equasions while shopping for groceries. I have learned that 55.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.


2. SPIDERS
Now, let me say up front that I do consider myself somewhat of an animal rights activist. I believe the intentional abuse of an animal is immoral and unquestionably wrong. However, this belief does not extend to spiders. Please do not send a letter reporting me to PETA. This is simply how I feel. They serve no vital function but to creep you out and scare you half to death. I will not even post a picture of one.


AND THE NUMBER ONE THING IN THIS WORLD FROM SATAN IS....

 

1. AIRLINES

I do not claim to hate things in this world. But, I truly hate airlines. I remember by very first real flight when I was a kid. Yes, we all know that all the good stuff is in First Class or Business Class (I have experienced both), but the overall experience now is what is so bad. Remeber the good days when the customer service people on the 1-800 number actually spoke English? Remember when an airline employee who smiled and said "thank you for flying with us today" actually meant it? Yes, things have changed since 9/11. I can appreciate that. I have no problem with additional security. But, I do have a problem with the customer service experience that the airline industry use to once have. Today, a pillow and blanket (after paying up to $10 for it) is considered a luxury item. Yes, while you do get a free in-flight magazine that has all the latest trends from the back issues from 1998, virtually everything has its price. Back in 2006, Continental Airlines actually considered charging people to use the bathrooms....yes, the bathroom! With customer outcry at an all time high, Continental decided to cancel the proposed plan (which is great news for us who eat a pick-up-and-go burrito from an airport vendor).

On the ground, it is no different. Airlines can overbook, doublebook, and re-arrange your schedule without your consent or knowledge. You go to redeem the free flight you have after spending $100,000 on your credit card only to be told it is blacked out. Oh an if you even DARE to complain, you get the one word in the English language which is the worst of all..."Unfortunately". I hate this word. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It is such a cop out word, especially in the world of commerce. What it means is that no matter how hard you have been screwed by a company, there is nothing you can do, no matter how hard you try. And we all know that the representative on the phone CAN do something, they just wont.

Please message me here or on Facebook and add your items from the world that are from Satan and I will add if appropiate. This list will be updated

"Work out thine own salvation with fear and trembling..."

I recall a story that an Institute teacher told me in class one day.

"When Moses went to the mountain, the Lord gave 10 very simple commandments. When he came down, the children of Israel said 'that's to much work'. So they created over 690 really small rules, which thus became the Book of Leviticus. So minor are these laws that they range from certain hairstyles to how you use the restroom. The same is in the Utah Mormon culture. Our church has asked of its people to proclaim the gospel, do missionary work, redeem the dead, and to love others as we would ourselves. Instead, most Mormons reject those and have created their own personal Levitical list. "Do not drink Coke on Sunday"...."Do not wash your car on Sunday"...."Do not dye your hair a certain color"..."Picking up your room on the Sabbath is not holy"....who came up with this stuff? I was once told by an older member of the church that I was going to hell because I wore an Abercombie & Fitch t-shirt. She said I was not honoring God because that company endorses pornography. I simply responded, "Well Sister, most of the men at BYU are going to be joining me because they mostly wear the same style shirt from Abercrombie!"

I absolutely love this. "Who am I to judge my brother, when I walk imperfectly? Lord, may I follow thee" Hymns, #220

Where is any of this listed in the standard works? The prophets? The apostles? The answer is NOWHERE. Not one mention of it.

We have been given a precious gift: agency (Gen 3:7). We can choose for ourselves what we deem to be morally acceptable and unacceptable. The Lord said to Jeremiah, "I am thy judge...no other gods shall be put before me".



Loechner's "The Great and Dreadful Day", 1487

So why do we Christians (I mean all Christians...LDS, Baptist, Catholic, whatever) judge one another? Do we not read the Bible? If we believe that we have the right to judge others, then we are infact blasphemers. "For he had the power to heal others, not he cant help himself!" said the mockers at the cross.

By saying that we have a Biblical right to judge is to put God into a box and let him come out when we say He should. That is saying, "Ok God....I have everything under control. You can go away now and sit in the corner. If I need you, I'll ask for your help". WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

It is in fact un-Christian to judge another. That is following the path Satan laid out. Satan saught to place himself above that of God in the Grand Beginning. Satan wanted his followers to judge another, to bring them down into a desperate state. Is that the plan we wish to follow?

“Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” (1 Sam. 16:7)

The reason that we cannot judge is obvious. We cannot see what is in the heart. We do not know motives, although we impute motives to every action we see. They may be pure while we think they are improper.

When we judge people, which we should not do, we have a great tendency to look for and take pride in finding weaknesses and faults, such as vanity, dishonesty, immorality, and intrigue. As a result, we see only the worst side of those being judged. The Prophet Joseph Smith said that the dead will be judged out of records kept on earth. We will also be judged out of the “book of life,” which is kept in heaven (see D&C 128:6–8).

By not judging, that is the only way to show real charity. It is hard to understand why we are ready to condemn our neighbors and our friends on circumstantial evidence while we are all so determined to see that every criminal has a fair and open trial. Surely we can try to eliminate pride, passion, personal feeling, prejudice, and pettiness from our minds, and show charity to those around us.

God is our only judge. The Lord told us that when He said that we will "be judged according to the holy judgment of God." (2 Nephi 9:15)

Will I be judge for being gay? Yes, but it will not be the sole reason. At the beginning of a Catholic mass, a prayer for the regret of sin is spoken. Within, it contains the words "for what I have done, and for what I have failed to do". I think this is how the Lord will judge us, by what we have done and what we have failed to do. He will examine the righteousness of our hearts, the purpose behind our doings, and the intentions behind them. Thus, there is reason to have hope.  

Why I do not participate in Pride parades

I know this post will be offensive to some. But, I am not posting things to make friends or enemies, but to only share my opinions. Please take it in with that spirit in mind.

Alot of gay people in Utah ask me why my husband and I do not participate in gay pride parades in Salt Lake. Well, to put it simply, I believe it is wrong.

Throughout history, God has called men and women to be advocates of truth and social justice. One of the most inspirational men I believe is Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. He was a champion for equality, not just for Blacks, but for ALL Americans.

There is very, very little about Dr. King and his views on homosexuality. This is what I think he would say if he were alive today.

              1. He was a champion for civil rights. He stated, "I have a dream that one day my four little children will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character". I truly believe that gay people should be judge not by their outward appearance or sexual preference, but by their morality and conduct.

              2. Despite the controversy in church and society on same-gender marriage and/or unions, adoption of children by gay parents and for many the right of gay persons to be in same-gender intimate sexual relationships, King was unafraid to “speak out and stand up” for issues that for him were matters of conscience.

               3. He had an unyielding understanding of all human struggles, which were expressed in his Letter from a Birmingham Jail, written April 16, 1963. he stated, “injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.”

  4. I believe that Dr. King would be outraged at the conservative movement in this country. For example, on March 11, 2008, Republican Oklahoma State Senator Sally Kern stated that "the gay agenda is more dangerous to this country than Muslim terrorism". What the ??????  Why is she not appauled at the fact that almost 78% of North Korea's people are starving and dying every day? Does she not care that in North Korea, the infant mortality rate is the highest in the world due to lack of food and medicine? Does she not care that so called "Christian" leaders in Africa have dozens of wives and are involved in widespread genocide, and female genital mutilation? Does she care that these leaders have openly passed laws to murder all gay people? Does she not have a problem with the Westboro Baptist Church burning the American flag and desecrating fallen heros who are killed in war?

I know of a man who did this sort of thing.....his name was Hitler.

I have a proposal to Sen. Kern: If you think that being gay is more dangerous than Muslim terrorism, I say you should become president. Then, you can withdraw all our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan and have them go invade West Hollywood.

Anyways, I went off on a rant there. Sorry.

So why do I think gay pride parades are wrong? I have no objection to the parade itself. I have a serious objection however as to the style of the parade.

When Dr. King summoned his followers to march on Selma, in Birmingham, in Memphis, he told them to dress themselves in Sunday best and to "stand for integrity". King also stated, "the only true way for equality to prevail is through respectful action, and civilized dialogue". Well, as most of us know, the Utah Legislature (both House and Senate) are OVERWHELMINGY Mormon and Republican with strong anti-gay rights agendas.

 Part of the Pride parade and other "celebrations of gayness" is to protest in front of the Salt Lake LDS Temple, The LDS Church office building, and the state capitol. The vast majority of people who attend have very derogatory signs that desecrate the LDS religion and people. Most people show up wearing nothing but a pair of "Speedo" suits. They scream, rant and rave about how horrible the LDS Church and the Utah government are. Do you actually think that those in charge of making our laws are going to respond to this kind of action? I think they would more likely respond if all gay people marched peacefully, with respectful signs, and in our best clothes. Engage dialogue with your legislators not through a bullhorn and underwear, but instead by sitting down with them in a suit and tie and have respectful dialogue. This will help people to better understand us and our movement. The world already thinks that gays are "evil". They think we are child molesters, they think all we do is hookup for sex, and they think all we do is drink and do drugs. This is not the case.

Dr. King admonished his people not to live the sterotype. Sure, alot of them could not read, alot of them never went to school, almost all were poor. But Dr. King said, "raise yourself up out of ghetto! Show your pride for you who are!" He fought for the image of the Black person not to be one of ghetto living and violence, but of respect and mature conduct. Why not try the same with the gay community? I think next Pride parade, we should all dawn our Sunday best and march with respectful signs. We dont need virtually naked dancers and transvesties to prove our point....all we need is class.

A follow up to my resignation letter....

My friends,

I never imagined such an outreach of support and love from all those who commented on my last post, which was my resignation letter to the church. I wanted to clarify some things that will answer some questions.

My letter does state some specific greivences that I had with church leadership and policy. But, I want to make it very clear that in addition to the bad things that have happened, there were also MANY wonderful and beautiful moments within the church and among its members.

In a later post, I will share some special moments I had on my mission in Las Vegas and at the Conference Center. But I wanted to mention just some of the many.

I am so very blessed to have wonderful friends. They are true examples of living the LDS gospel principles. I am so fortunate to have known and worked with an Institute teacher (his name I will not mention for privacy) who has been my mentor and guide since the day I moved to Utah. He truly has inspired me to become a better person, and has ALWAYS defended me and helped me in times of trouble. I am sure if he reads this, he knows who is his. Thank you, my dear friend, for all you have done and all you continue to do.

I have been blessed with two wonderful bishops in the past. They are both former bishops of the BYU 138th Ward. These two men of God worked with me during my darkest hours. They literally picked me up from and kept me going. I love them with all my heart.

I had 4 roommates when I was at BYU who showed me unconditional love and support even when I was at my worst. When I arrived at BYU, my mental state was about a bad as it could have been. These brothers of the gospel prayed for me, cried with me, laughed with me, and spiritually nourished me. They know who they are. They know I love them.

I will post later some wonderful experiences with the Latter-Day Celebration Choir.

I think my greatest joy of all was my music. When I was baptized and had the Aaronic Priesthood bestowed upon me, I was called as the ward choir director. I felt inadequite and embarassed. However, the Lord worked within my heart, and I had remained a choir director for the length of my church membership, which was almost 7 years. I was a ward and stake choir director in Utah; at BYU, and in Pleasant Grove. My BYU ward choir was full of talent and passion, and it was an honor to conduct them and make beautiful music.

2007 Christmas Concert, Battlecreek 11th Ward

When I moved to Pleasant Grove, I was made the choir director. This choir started very small with only 5 people. By the time I was released, it had grown, and we had on average 40-50 people every Sunday. This choir did have talent, dont get me wrong, but there were some members who literally could not sing or read music if their life depended on it. I had this tradition of announcing from the pulpit during the church announcements that ward choir was open to everyone, regardless of ability (I think the fact that I also brought cookies, cake, or some kind of guilty pleasure every week helped me too!). Sometimes, I would walk right up to the person and say "give us a try!". And they did, and they usually ended up staying.

The members of my choir often told me in private that I was the reason they were in the choir. They told me of other experiences they had in other choirs, and how this one was different. They said they loved the passion I showed, the testimony I bore, and the knowledge I posessed.

I remember one Sunday after church. The choir sung a song called "Behold The Wounds In Jesus' Hands". My favorite line from that piece says,

     "Behold the wounds in Jesus's hands, look to your Lord and live! He yearns to bless you with His love, and all your sins forgive. Though empty is the heart of man, when it is filled with sin; come open wide your broken heart, and let your Savior in."

Even now as I wrote those words, tears come to my eyes. Anyways, after church a new member of the choir came up to me and thanked me for the Spirit that was felt. I told her I had nothing to do with it since the music comes from God, and with God all things are perfection. She was a young girl going to BYU. She handed me a small folded note written on the back of the church program. I still have it do this day.

"I just wanted to tell you that I have never been in a choir like yours before. Some of the members think you are to agressive in your teaching of the music, but I dont. I so much appreciate your love of music and your love of the Savior. In my home ward choir, all we did was sing hymns from the hymnal. It was nice and the Spirit was felt, but nothing to the extent of what you teach us. You not only show us how to read music, you also teach us how to draw closer to God. The arrangements you select and the time you place into teaching us reflects your love and testimony of the Lord, and I thank you for that."

That letter just caused me to almost break out in tears. I felt the love of these people in my choir. I loved them, and I knew they loved me.

I will offer many more posts on the positive experiences I have had in the church.

I am very sorry if my resignation letter somehow percieved that I had nothing but bad experiences. I simply wrote that letter the afternoon of the day of my discipline hearing, and was very hurt and sad. Yes those things did happen, but the many wonderful experiences I have had far outweigh the negative.

My resignation letter

I debated putting this post up. After praying about it, I decided that I felt it was something I should do. The following is my letter of resignation to the Church. I must preface it by saying this: I am still so blessed that I had a wonderful stake president who took the time to listen to me read this, and for the wonderful and Christ-centered counsel he offered.

"To my fellow Brethren of the High Council and Stake Presidency,

 I wish at this time to make a statement, as is my right and privilege directed in D&C 102:12-33, and in subsequent sections in the Doctrine and Covenants regarding excommunication and church discipline.

 Initially, I had prepared a very short statement expressing my concerns regarding this most difficult meeting, and what will turn out to be this, the most profound day of my life. However, as I re-read through it several times, and with the promptings of the Spirit, I have made several revisions, I stand before you now, broken and contrite. I have nothing left of myself, only what the Lord has spared.  I sincerely pray that you will open your spiritual hearts and ears to the power of the Spirit, and I pray that it will guide you as I hope it will guide me.  

 Let me start by saying that this is truly the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. At no time can I remember having to face such an endearing task as having to face you. For almost 3 months now, I have counseled and prayed with many people in an attempt to discern my thoughts into words. I have counseled with a former bishop who is in good standing with the Church. I have counseled with a former institute teacher who will forever have my un-ending respect, love, and admiration. And most of all, I have counseled with my Father in Heaven. I have had to dig deep into the depths of my soul, and pull out every muster of strength I have left in me, in order to do this here tonight.

 Upon knowing that both I and my partner Chris were being summoned to this meeting, we have had a lot of time to reflect. I often reflect on my long list of weaknesses.  I think my biggest weakness is my inability to forgive. So, it is what I must do in order to go on: I must forgive.

 I forgive my former bishops who refused to extend church funds to Chris when he needed to purchase life saving and necessary hearth medicine, stating that medicine is “not something the church provides money for." Yet, my ward helped a young girl get a new car because she was going through a "rough time". The ward took on all her debt, and she ended up getting a brand new BMW. How do I know this? Because I was the loan officer at the bank at the time the loan was processed. This is an act I never thought I could forgive, but I must if I am to proceed past this stage of my life and try to find peace outside the church.

 I know I can speak for Chris as well as myself when I say that we forgive those who

looked right at us and state that Jesus could not possibly know what we are going through as gay people because Jesus never atoned for this in the garden, and could not possibly love us. I have to believe that the God I have come to know through the LDS Church knows every pain and sorrow and experienced every human condition, including homosexuality. I forgive my bishop for, in almost a year and a half, never sending even one person from the church to see how we were doing. Not a Relief Society President, member of the Elders Quorum, missionaries, or home teachers. We have had no contact with the church, with the exceptions of meetings with the stake president, in all this time. I thought the church valued caring for those in need, especially the less active.

 I forgive myself for not living up to my covenants better. Now that I will never be able to go into the temple again, I wish that I had gone more often. I remember the day of my first endowment in the small, but beautiful Nashville, Tennessee temple. It was my ward’s temple night. They had arranged it so that only my ward would be there. I was surrounded my many close friends. The beauty of stepping through the veil and seeing so many loving and caring people in a room that appeared as Heaven itself is one I will never forget.

 After 10 years of the most intensive and invasive counseling you can ever imagine, I simply could not “become straight”. I was engaged to a beautiful woman once, but instead of take the lower path and lie to myself, my family, and most of all my God, I took the road less traveled, and had to admit who I was. And that truth is that I am a gay Christian, and a gay American. You can not imagine the burden, the trial, the heartbreak, and the despair this has caused.

 I have no idea what God is laying on your heart right now. Some of you may thing I am a terrible human being for my sexual orientation. Some of you may think I have no hope of redemption, of salvation, nor am I worthy of it. Some of you may have feelings of mercy upon me. I can only pray for the latter. And then, there may be some of you who go with the rest of our predominate culture here in Utah: being gay is a “choice”. Let me reassure you: this is not a choice, nor has it ever been.

 I never in my life chose this. Almost every gay person I know never chose this. While I did have some abnormal feelings growing up, I never associated them with being a homosexual. I dated women in high school. I fell in love in high school and looked forward to the prospect of getting married. When God called me to be a Catholic priest, my plans changed. I committed myself to celibacy and devotion to God. I found myself reading the Book of Mormon online, and once again my plans had changed. I went on a mission, and again devoted my life to the service of God. What an honor that was, and what stories I will forever hold in my heart.

 I was injured in the mission field and finished in the most beautiful of all places: the LDS Conference Center in Salt Lake City. I was fortunate and blessed enough to meet people all over the world and provide tours of that most beautiful of all buildings, and bear my testimony to the miraculous events that take place in there.

 I then did what every good returned missionary does, and I enrolled in BYU. And sure enough, my life changed, only this time in a direction I never could have imagined. The feelings began to suddenly grow very intense. I went to the best therapists, psychotherapists, and psychiatrist’s money could buy. I fasted and prayed in the temple so many times I grew to be on a first name basis with many of the workers. When I heard what the world thought of gays, I cried myself to sleep. Is this what I am? This deviant monster, this sex addict who is going to prey on young children? All I knew is that the world, especially the Mormons, HATED these people, and I was turning into one as my feelings grew stronger. I prayed to God. If this was so horrible, why would he not remove this burden from me? So I tried to remove it 4 times by my own means, each time landed me in the psychiatric ward of the hospital under suicide watch. Thankfully, I had a wonderful ward, close friends, and even closer bishops, who helped me through it all.

Again, let me tell you that this was not a choice for me. The American Psychiatric Association would be in agreement with me. In their pamphlet entitled “The APA Guide to Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality”, it states that, “Human beings cannot choose to be either gay or straight. For most people, sexual orientation emerges in early adolescence without any prior sexual experience. Although we can choose whether to act on our feelings, psychologists do not consider sexual orientation to be a conscious choice that can be voluntarily changed. Most scientists today agree that sexual orientation is most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental, cognitive and biological factors. In most people, sexual orientation is shaped at an early age. There is also considerable recent evidence to suggest that biology, including genetic or inborn hormonal factors, play a significant role in a person's sexuality.”

Nor do I have a mental disease. Homosexuality is not a disease or a disorder. You can not “catch” being gay or “contract” being gay, just like you can not “contract” being straight. Again, to quote the American Psychiatric Association, “All major professional mental health organizations have gone on record to affirm that homosexuality is not a mental disorder. In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association’s Board of Trustees removed homosexuality from its official diagnostic manual, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Second Edition (DSM II). The action was taken following a review of the scientific literature and consultation with experts in the field. Several homosexual test cases (patients) were given various forms of therapy, ranging from new forms of psychotropic drugs, to more radical forms such a genital shock treatments and aversion therapy. The experts found that homosexuality does not meet the criteria to be considered a mental illness since, in virtually every test case, the outcome was the same; all the patients were still declared to be homosexual. No change in their sexual orientation or sexual preference was found, thus concluding that this is not a rare form of mental illness, but genuine and appropriate form of living.”

 I was fired from a great job at the bank when they all of a sudden found out I was gay. I haven’t been able to find work in the financial sector since. My mother has since left the church because she hired an investment banker to handle her retirement accounts, who also happens to be a stake high councilman, and in turn embezzled $24,000 out of her account. I cry myself to sleep almost nightly. I have trouble talking to God anymore. Chris and I both have lost many friends. Chris’s family even disowned him and refuses to talk to him.

 So please, I ask you again, from me to you, all of us who are college educated and intelligent men, why would any person just simply  “choose” this lifestyle. I am not going to debate the APA’s findings on homosexuality. I am not even going to begin to try and figure out if people are born gay, or if it is acquired through a complex pattern of hormonal, genetic, and situational circumstances. All I know is that I am, and the only choice here involved serious consequences. As it has been suggested, and as I am fully aware under church doctrine, I can return to full fellowship if I cease all my contact with Chris, live a celibate life, or get married to a woman. Or, I follow what I believe God would want me to do, and be shunned and be un-welcomed by the very church I love so dear. Where is the logical choice? Where is the godly, Christian choice? I could never marry a woman I can not fully devote myself too, spiritually, emotionally, and sexually. I could never lean across that temple altar and be in the presence of my Savior and lie to him directly. I do fear the wrath of God, and it is something I could never do. But I also can not lie to myself. I love Chris with all my heart. But under the doctrine of the Church, you brethren are essentially telling me my love is a sinful, wicked abomination, and I must be punished. So again, what rightful choice is there?

 The love that I share with Chris is more than just a physical attraction based on a sexual relationship. It is based on something deeper, similar to Jonathan and David who loved each other as their own souls (1 Sam 18:1). The Bible even states that Jonathan removed his clothes for David (1 Sam 18:4), they kissed (1 Sam 20:40), and Samuel even states that his love for Jonathan is greater than that of a woman’s (2 Sam 1:26). Is this to be interperated as a homosexual act between two people, or as an expression to two people who truly loved each other? I rescued him from a very abusive home. I wanted him to feel safe when he come home from his job, and be in a good ward. At first, there was nothing physical, just spiritual. As we have grown to love each other as friends, we found that we needed each other for our emotional and spiritual needs. As I said, our relationship was never based on the stereotypical gay life that society has fashioned. We do not attend gay rallies and we do not march in parades. We try to legislate change through peaceful and effective channels. We do not drink, smoke, or go to clubs. We still try to be the best church members we can be. When I am need, Chris is there, and vice-versa. I recall in early December when I was severely sick from my mental illness. Chris wanted to give me an early Christmas give. We literally did not have enough money to pay the bills that month. My mother had literally wiped out her pension trying to help cover all the medical bills. He handed me this beautiful new book that had come out called “Reflections of Christ”, a series of photos depicting the life of Christ. I came to a picture of Christ wiping clay on the eyes of the blind man, and the caption simply said “HEALER,” Chris then bore a simple testimony to me about the love of God and he reassured me that we would somehow get though this difficult time.

Now, this ultimately doesn’t come down to gay vs. straight or secularism vs. humanism. This comes right down to the human heart. What is in mine, and what is in yours. I know that since Proposition 8, the Church has been wrestling with a PR disaster. Temples have been evacuated and churches shot up by fanatics. I have never, nor will I ever, condone such acts. While I was against Prop 8 and donated what little I had to see its defeat, I would never vandalize the church I love so dear. For the record, as if it improves our standing or weight by any means, Chris and I at no time ever attended, organized, or took part in any of the Salt Lake Temple protests, acts of threats or violence against church property.

While I do not condone or support any of these acts, I can certainly see the reason for the anger. You see, this isn't about yelling, rioting, and this certainly isn’t about politics. It’s not even about Prop 8 really. Yes, I do have a personal stake in because I am gay, and so is Chris. I don’t have to strain my brain long to think of a friend who isn’t. I have many personal stories of prejudice and discrimination pervading my life. 

 I just want to ask you all, who ultimately holds my fate in your hands, a question, because I truly, with all my heart, do not understand. And by my asking you this, I am by proxy asking the leaders of the Church.

 Why? Why does this even matter? How does the life I lead with Chris have any bearing on the lives you lead with your wives and family? How does it change the traditional definition of marriage? I was partnered with Chris on May 10, 2008 in a small ceremony. We do not have the rights of a genuine couple since we are not recognized by the state. We do however have powers of attorney. But what has happened as a result of our ceremonial union? Did the mountains come down and the stars fall from the sky? Did the seas boil and the sun turn to blood as Revelation predicts? As someone who loves to play cards, I think I could gamble and be about 99% sure that the answer is no. So again I ask, what is it to you? In this society of hate, impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, all we want are the same chances at permanence and happiness which is available to you. We don’t want to take yours away, nor do we want to take away any of your civil liberties. We want what you want—a chance to be a little less alone in the world.

 Only, the church said to me and millions of others- no. You can't have it on these terms. Maybe something similar, if you behave and act the way we tell you to, if you don't cause too much trouble. The only thing that I have in this world is someone I love, something that is truly pure and sacred, and you are saying, no, you can't share that.

 What if somebody passed a law that said you couldn't marry? What if by some odd chance a gay president took power and said that all straight marriages are officially rescinded, null and void? Could you even imagine the despair, the heartbreak, and the injustice of such an act? I don’t have to imagine. I know what it is like firsthand.

Ultimately, this was a matter that came down to the Constitution. The 14th Amendment of the document we Latter-Day Saints believe is a sacred document, declares that “all citizens of these United States shall not be denied due process under the law.” So you, as a straight person (aka traditional marriage) verses me (non traditional marriage) have more rights that I do simply based on something I have no control over? Where is Christ in this? Where is his love? Where is his justice? For the church truly acted as an out of state special interest group, an action which in ever way, was truly wrong.

 I don’t have to imagine. I live it every day. In our state, I am an “un-protected class of citizen” in the eyes of the law. I am not worthy enough to shine your shoes. I am not worthy enough to sift through your garbage. I am not even a human being: I am just simply gay.

 During the election, both sides used this term: "re-defining marriage”. If this country hadn't re-defined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967. If we hadn’t re-defined marriage, Italian Americans, Irish Americans, and Poles couldn’t marry in this country until 1935. If we hadn’t re-defined, Japanese Americans couldn’t marry White Americans until 1954 because the FBI still thought they were working for the Communists after the War. The parents of the President of the United States couldn't have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it's worse than that. If this country had not "re-defined" marriage, some black people still couldn't marry black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our nation’s history. Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not "Until Death, Do You Part," but "Until Sold Do You Part." Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized. You know, just like marriages today in California, and even in 42 states of this country, are not legally recognized, if the people are gay.

 We even use this term in our own church doctrine. Has we not "re-defined" the status of black people, they may still not be able to hold the priesthood. Throughout our history we have "re-defined" doctrine and policy. What saddens me most is that our church, so young compared to others, experienced the very same things gay people face today. Our pioneer brothers and sisters were driven out of their homes, their churches, their businesses. We were told that, because we were "different", we were not welcome. We had our women raped, our children displaced, and our men murdered. We were driven 2600 miles across this nation to find some peace and prosperity. We even had the governor of Missouri issue an extermination order against the Mormons. And now, as I feel so often, the very church that experienced these horrible acts, are committing them on its own members who happen to be gay. For I have been driven out. I have lost my job. I have been rejected by the very church I tried so hard to serve. I think that is what hurts most of all.

Uncountable in our history are the number of men and women who married on a whim in sham marriages, or marriages of convenience, or sometimes marriages from a drunken stupor, or just marriages of not knowing. There have been centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness, and who have, through a lie to themselves or others, broken countless other lives, of spouses and children, all because we said a man couldn't marry another man, or a woman couldn't marry another woman. Sadly so many Latter-Day Saint men and women who have lived this lie to their spouses and children have had those very lives destroyed, all in the name of a doctrine of "eternal family".

 Is this the sanctity of marriage? Is this what the Church fought so hard to protect? The Church must follow a lesson in semantics, because in every way, that is how we practice our doctrine. As has been affirmed by every prophet from Joseph Smith to Thomas S. Monson, our doctrine is one of realism, without grayness. We stand on certain principles without shame or question. So, because this is the case, then the Church ultimately upholds and defends these marriages. A marriage in Las Vegas in a rent by-the-hour chapel by a commoner who got his license of the internet to perform weddings....this is the traditional, sanctity of marriage that the LDS Church defends? 3 weeks prior to Prop 8 passing, an illegal alien from Mexico who was in Federal lockup in California for DUI was released from jail due to a “jury tempering technicality”, went out and got drunk again, and killed 4 people, including a 3 month old baby. He then got married to his sweetheart in prison. The sanctity of marriage…and the Church fought to defend this with over $50 dollars raised? Yet, my union, full of deep love and respect, is viewed as sinful, evil, and downright disgusting.

 So again I ask, what is this to you? Not I, nor the gay community, is asking you to embrace our expression of love. But please, don’t stop it. Don’t put up roadblocks and certainly don’t suppress basic human rights, the same rights Our Savior gave to us all. Isn’t the world barren enough? The world is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Marriages in our church only stand a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much we may feel and how hard we may work.

 And Chris and I are people who were overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, just for the hope of having that feeling.  With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, is this really what our religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadness, this is what your conscience tells you to do?

 Most of all, with all of the forces of evil that seem to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate... this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor our God and the love we believe he represents? Then spread love- this tiny, symbolic thing of happiness. Share it with all those who seek it. Quote me anything from the prophets the standard words telling you to stand against this.

 And so, I hope what I have said today has made some difference. Possibly, but for most I am sure not. But the real reason I have come today is to inform you of a very difficult decision I have had to make.  

 I have come here to state that I will not be facing this disciplinary council. Yesterday, I sent a notarized letter to the Member Records Division of the Church and officially declared my resignation as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know that by doing this, it hereby "cancels the effects of baptism and confirmation, withdraws the priesthood held by myself and revokes temple blessings.” You have no idea how much pain that causes me, since my baptism 7 years ago was the most beautiful thing I will ever experience in my life. I have been made aware of my rights via my attorney.

 I know that you may see my resignation as the coward’s way out, a complete disgrace to our church. That was not my intention. This is the single most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do. I rejected the lower road, and took the more painful route: penance and atonement, the way to grace.

I respectfully ask that you work with Member Records as quickly as possible to process this resignation. I also know under the law and Constitution of the State of Utah, and United States, that the moment I resigned 24 hours ago, I was no longer subject to any disciplinary councils, administrative proceedings, tribunals or judgments passed down from this or any church court. I am aware that I can no longer be “excommunicated” in addition to resigning. I have come here at my own free-will to address you because there were important things I wanted you to hear, and to hope to seek some closure to my life in the LDS Church. If any attempt is made to excommunicate me, I will unfortunately have to seek legal counsel. Please honor the laws of our state and let us be in tune with the words of Joseph Smith, “for friends were at first, and friends we are at last”.

 I truly feel like an author who is penning the last words of a remarkable novel, filled with beautiful stories which will be forever cherished. For indeed, this book of my life is closing forever, the life I lead as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I wish there could be a “to be continued” at the end, but sadly, it will close with a period, for there can be no more to come after this. But I know that as we leave here today and go our separate ways, life will go on, and tomorrow, the sun will rise. A new day will begin for me. Yes, it will be one of great sadness, but hopefully one that will present itself with new opportunities to serve, for what can never be taken away from me is my love of the scriptures, my faith in the Prophet Joseph Smith, my love of the word of God, and my testimony of the Book of Mormon. I will continue to read, ponder, and pray until my time on this earth comes to its end, and I know that I will be able to face my Lord and my Savior void of all offence, for I know that I did all that I could, and His grace will be sufficient for me. As the great hymn says,

                       "The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,

                        I can not, I will not, desert to his foes.

                        That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake;

                        I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never, forsake."

Truly, my time in the church can only be stated by the words of Oliver Cowdery: "these were days never to be forgotton". And so I say farewell to you, and to this beautiful religion that has taught me so much, and that I love so dear. I only wish it were able to love me as much in return.

Like most final words in a novel, they should be poignant and reflective of the entire work. I will end tonight on these beautiful poetic words by Marta Keen.

           “If you find it’s me you’re missing, if you’re hoping I’ll return,

            to your thoughts I’ll soon be listn’ning, in the road I’ll stop and turn.

            Then will the wind set me racing, as my journey nears its end,

            And the path I’ll be retracing will be homeward bound again.

            So bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plows,

            set me free to find my calling, and I’ll return, someway, somehow.”

Good bye and God Bless, and thank you for every great gift I have been given."

Is Jesus the brother of Satan?

The most heated topic of conversation amongst the anti-Mormon community is the LDS belief that Satan and Jesus are really brothers. This "fact" proves that the Mormons arent Christians, right? Wrong. We must apply practical reasoning to this. Mormons stand in agreement with their Christian brothers and sisters when we state that God created all things, and all things were created for His glory. Mormons further believe that all people were created by God in the Spirit World prior to the formation of this earth. If God is the father of all spirits, then where did Lucifer come from?

Isaiah 14:12-20 tells us that indeed Satan was called Lucifer, which means "A Sont of the Morning". Isaiah further tells us that Lucifer did indeed have power in Heaven. He was an enlightened spirit child with full gospel knowledge. Just after the formation of the earth, a Grand council was called by Heavenly Father, Christ, Lucifer, and other chosen spirits. They discussed who would be the Savior of the earth.

Elder John A. Whitdsoe worte in his book "Evidences and Reconciliations", page 209, the following about Satan. "The story of Lucifer is the most terrible example of such apostasy. Lucifer, son of the morning, through diligent search for truth and the use of it, had become one of the foremost in the assembly of those invited to undertake the experiences of earth. But, in that Great Council, his personal ambition and love of power overcame him. He pitted his own plan and will against the purposes of God. He strove to gain the birthright of his Elder Brother, Jesus the Christ. When his proposition was rejected, he forsook all that he had gained, would not repent of his sin, defied truth, and of necessity lost his place among the followers of God. He was no longer Lucifer, bearer of truth, who walked in light, but Satan, teacher of untruth, who slunk in darkness. He became the enemy of God and of all who try to walk according to the Lord's commandments. One-third of the spirits present in that vast assembly supported Satan and became enemies of the truth that they had formerly cherished. With him these rebellious spirits lost their fellowship with the valiant sons of God. What is more, they lost the privilege of obtaining bodies of flesh and blood, without which they cannot gain full power over the forces of the universe. In the face of that defeat, and that curse, they have sought from Adam to the present time to corrupt mankind and defeat the Lord's purposes."

Elder Neal A. Maxwell wrote in "Deposition of a Disciple", pages 11 and 12, that "Lucifer knew about this plan, and his very pleading was real rebellion. The scriptures tell us plainly that he sought a throne above the stars and God. (2 Nephi 24:13.) Therefore, he was from the beginning a serious rebel. President George Q. Cannon said, "He was our brother, sitting side by side with our Redeemer, having equal opportunities with him. But he rebelled. He turned against the Father because he could not have his own way." This council was no abstract exercise. It reflected a deep, deep difference. Lucifer, by what he did, told us much more about himself than about his so-called offer. Clearly, he was already becoming an outsider, using (and trying to profit from) an insider's information."

To conclude, President Spencer W. Kimball stated in the December 1959 Ensign, "But thank God that there were enough sane and sagacious souls on the side of truth and wisdom and the rebellious souls were vanquished as to the eternal and ultimate program. The principal personalities in this great drama were a Father Elohim, perfect in wisdom, judgment, and person, and two sons, Lucifer and Jehovah. Satan tempted both Christ and Moses. There is another power in this world forceful and vicious. In the wilderness of Judaea, on the temple's pinnacles and on the high mountain, a momentous contest took place between two brothers, Jehovah and Lucifer, sons of Elohim. When physically weak from fasting, Christ was tempted by Lucifer: "If thou be the Son of God, command this stone that it be made bread." (Luke 4:3.)"

My sermon on the Prodigal Son

I gave this talk in 2007 during sacrament meeting. I hope you enjoy it.

"All of us have heard, since our Primary days, the story of the prodigal son and his father. This is told in the Gospel of Luke. Luke is one of the gospels, and the word gospel means "good news".

 It is my prayer that God will give us ears to hear the Good News this morning.

Now, first I want to ask, by a raise of hand, has anyone here has ever fed pigs? OK a bunch of you have. I guess you all grew up in Idaho or Northern Utah. For those among you who have fed pigs, have you ever looked at the pigs’ food and wished you could get your face down there in the trough to eat with them? Of course you haven’t. This offers a glimpse into the level of absolute poverty and powerlessness to which the prodigal son had fallen. He’s hit bottom. Hitting bottom is what it takes for some of us to come to their senses. There are all manner of ways to hit bottom and our own experience or the experience of those we know may well be a different manner. People hitting bottom may well happen to more folks than you can imagine.

The Good News here is that this thought prompted the young man to “come to his senses.” That is the exact opposite of being “beside himself.” He has come together and is able to reason through his grim situation and see a path to recovery. It’s a modest plan. He will return to his father and apologize. He will ask to be treated as one of the hired servants, not as a son of the father.

Now for some really Good News: do you suppose the son came up this plan on his own?  He had to make adecision. In the bigger picture we can imagine that long before the son came to his senses it was the father’s prayer to do precisely that and come home. The love that “goes before” is what we call “grace.” We believe that before a human being ever consciously knows God’s Grace the Holy Spirit is already at work in our hearts inviting us and working gently to prompt one to come home.

 Do parents automatically love the child?The truth is that the child’s parents have chosen to be in relationship with the child for some years before the child ever has any awareness or memory of the relationship. We reach out to God only to discover that God has been reaching out to us all along.

This is the lens through which we begin to see the astonishing love of God. In the parable, the younger son asks the father for his inheritance. In the father’s extraordinary generosity the request is granted. In almost any situation we can imagine, giving a young person their entire inheritance in advance would not be a wise thing. Most anyone would not be able to manage that successfully.

So are we to say that God is generous but unwise? No, not at all. You see, for better or worse, God has given all of humanity this freedom to make decisions. This is what we call agency. It is the most precious of gifts that Heavenly Father has given to us. It is so precious that God himself must abide by it. In the gospel story,the father does no coerce the son to stay home. Neither does God demand that we stay in relationship with him. We are free to leave anytime. You see, it wouldn’t mean anything to be in relationship to God if we are forced into the relationship. The same is true with those we love. If we were to somehow coerce another into relationship, it would not be love. The relationship would just be a consequence of our power over another.

It is clear that the younger son’s first chosen path will lead to disaster. Fortunately he discovers that his true life and inheritance is with the father. We may or may not be surprised to learn that the older brother resents the prodigal’s return and acceptance by the father. It’s just as if he had never left. The father’s astonishing generosity is seen again. He doesn’t even let the son finish his apology speech.

What we see in the father’s pleading for the older son to come inside and join the celebration is more of his generosity. The older son’s resentment is deep and angry. He hasn’t come to understand that his own inheritance is not threatened. In the father’s pleading we hear him say, “I have always been with you” and “all I have is yours.” The older brother has the blessing of all the father has, but sadly doesn’t see that. The older brother’s feeling may even be so close to our own that it makes us uncomfortable.

Do you hear the Good News here? Just as we can see the father’s generosity with both of these sons, God’s generosity is the same with us. The father desires for both of his sons to have everything he has and has always been with them and always will be with them. That is our Heavenly Fathers' highest priority. We don’t know how the story might continue. We hope that both sons would realize that their inheritance is with the father, in relationship with the father. We hope that the younger son discovers that though he is free to leave the father, but doesn’t mean he should. We hope he discovers that there is no hope for life outside of a relationship with the father. We hope the elder son discovers that likewise his inheritance is not his possession but a gift he can only receive in grace. He thinks he has earned his inheritance, but it has always been his. This is not for what he has done, but for who he is as the father’s son.

This is wonderful Good News. You are more valuable to God than you can imagine. In fact, God sacraficed His Only Son to give us new life. It’s so important to God that you are given the freedom to say yes or no. How will you answer?

Ultimately, what is so amazing is that there is no such thing as a Latter-day Saint by accident. There are only Latter-day Saints by decision.

I share my testimony that this is the church of the Lord. I testify that the Book of Mormon is true, and that Jospeh Smith was the man inspired to translate it. I know we are lead by Christ in these latter-days, and for that I am so thankful.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

My Conversion Story

The late Pope John Paul II, a man I will forever admire and respect.

I was raised in my early years to be a devout Roman Catholic. I was baptized at on "older" age (meaning I was not baptized as an infant). I think I was 5 or 6 when I was baptized. My pastor from those days, Father Tim from St. Mel's Catholic Church in San Fernando Valley, CA, said to me "I baptize you, relieving you from the stain of original sin." This was my first connection to God, to Christ, and I began my Christian walk.

Growing up in Tennesssee, I was immersed into the "Bible Belt". I did not understand what all the different churches taught. To me, it didnt matter. They all believed in Jesus, and to me that was the most important thing. However, my Protestant classmates did not agree. I was contantly told I was not a Christian. I was told that I pray to statues, that I am eating flesh and blood, and that I was not going to heaven.

When I was 16, almost 17, I began to seriously study the Catholic Church. I wanted to know why people still thought I was not a Christian. I began to read alot of Catholic apologetic books (apologetics meaning the defense of religion, not something to be sorry for).  

I began to discern my life, and where God wanted me to be. I began to feel a call to the Catholic priesthood. I wanted to be a servant. I wanted to serve God. I think deep down, that was always my intention, even if I did not go about it in all the right ways. I began discerning the priesthood. I spent a week on retreat with a wonderful group of Catholic priests known as The Fathers of Mercy. They ran a quiet but active ministry in South Central Kentucky. I knew secluded life was not for me, so I said I would become a priest for the Diocese of Nashville, and I was to study at Seton Hall University in New Jersey. I toured the school for several weeks and virtually lived the life of a seminarian. I prayed 4 times a day, mass three times a day, Catholic religion classes, seminary formation, and much more. I was convinced this is what I was being called to do. I returned home and took the initial psychiatric tests necessary. I passed them with flying colors. Meanwhile, I found out that alot of my friends were Mormon, which I was completly unaware of until my senior year of high school.They were in the show choir with me, the tennis team, marching band, and musical theatre. They were truly some of the most unique and genuinly kind people I knew. They never insulted my faith. They never told me I was not a Christian. They just wanted to be my friend. However, in my anger and my bitterness, I also considered the Mormons to be my enemy, not my friend. I would accuse them of the same horrible things the other kids said to me. I told them they were not Christians because they did not believe in the Orthodox Trinity. I said they were nothing more than Protestants claiming not to be Protestants. They began to tell me things about Jesus, about the Lord's church, stuff that I could not believe. I started reading alot of anti-Mormon literature, mainly written by Catholic authors, as to why the LDS Church was not even a church, but was in fact a cult. I read about strange things, like "Kolob", the temple ceremony, the huge financial empire the church was in charge of. Finally, I found a video on the internet of the "true" LDS temple ceremony. An angry ex-Mormon named Ed Decker founded a "ministry" to save LDS people from going to hell. He showed this video in all of his classes (which were very expensive to attend; I guess being saved involves a significant financial contribution to the one doing the saving) of the temple ceremony. He claims to have snuck a video camera into a Mormon temple. I will not reveal what the video showed, but it was full of violent symbolisim, indicated instant death to those who ever told of the temple ceremony. It also contained many offensive sexual references as to what Mormons do in the temple. Even I could not believe how terrible this was, even as a staunch Catholic.

For pure curiosity, I went to www.lds.org , the official website of the Mormon Church, and I began to read the Book of Mormon online. I was very surprised as to the Christian focus of the Book. Every chapter and verse said something about the Savior. Because I thought myself to be "educated" in the ways of the world and enlightened in religion, I always believed that God did not only appear and/or visit just the people of Israel. It is a documented fact that long before the story of the Exodus, there were established kingdoms and countries from centuries before. These were advanced civilizations that were generations ahead in the areas of education, technology, and religion. Why wouldent God speak to them as well? If he loves all of His children and created them, why would he suddenly not speak to them? Why only speak to this small group of people known as The Israelites? I was surpsied by the historical nature of the Book of Mormon (I will explain that in a later entry). Having read the Quran (Koran) several times, I found that the Book of Mormon had a very Middle-Eastern style of writing. I began to read more information from historians, theologians, and archeologists.

I then, again for pure interest sake, began watching the LDS General Conference. There I was introduced to this tiny man named Gordon B. Hinckley. I truly thought he was a fake, claiming to be a "prophet". I mean, every Orthodox Christian teaching states that revelation has ceased, and is no more available to man. But I listened closely to his words. I never heard Christ spoken of more beautifully then from the mouth of this tiny man. I thought he was old and out of touch with reality. But, he said things that touched my soul, and showed me that while I might be theologically trained and proficient, I knew so little about a personal relationship with Christ.

I was performing in our parish production of Oklahoma. It was a yearly tradition that drew thousands of people from the community. I decided to invite the LDS missionaries I had met a few days prior, maybe thinking they would renouce their LDS faith and want to learn more about Catholicism. In any event, that didnt happen. A few days later I recieved a call from the Priesthood Director of the Diocese of Nashville. He asked me, "I heard you were talking to Mormon missionaries at St. Joe's. What is up with that?" I tried to explain to him that I thought it was neccessary to begin a dialouge with them in the attempt to convert them. The director essentially told me to "stay away" and "never talk to them again". He said he was fearful of where my soul was headed by engaging in such heretical conversation with the Mormons. Sure enough, I did not stop. I continued to read the Book of Mormon, articles about the Church, and more doctrinal positions. To my astonishment, I actually found myself agreeing with them. I knew it was time to be honest to myself. I never really believed in the Trinity. It did not make sense to me. How could God be in three places at one time, and still be one God? Did God the Father abandon Heaven for 33 years to come to Earth in the form of Jesus Christ? How could the Father and the Spirit speak to Jesus if they were not seperate entities? Also, I found myself questioning why I prayed to the Saints. Catholics are taught, especially in Hispanic countries, that God the Father is evil. He is a mean, angry, jealous God who does nothing but punish people and throw down judgement. So, we are encouraged to pray to Mary and ask her to intercede for us to God. Afterall, if your father is the mean one, generally your mother is the kind one.

What finally did it for me was the history of the papacy, the inconsistent history of the lineage of the popes. Catholic teaching states that Peter was the first pope, and he personally ordained every pope after him. The Catholic succession of the popes is full of incorrect facts and questionable tactics. For example, the first 13 popes, no one (not even the Catholic church) knows anything about. They are called the "questionable" popes since virtually nothing is known about them. Even the Catholic official list of popes has dates with a ? next to them, meaning they are not sure of when that person was ordained, how long his papacy was, and what did he do during that tenure. In the Middle Ages, many of the popes were in fact athiest. They simple wanted the political power and security the Catholic Church offered, since Europe was essentially one large Catholic state.

Anyways, I began to speak with the missionaries more often, and I had more questions concerning my Catholic faith. I would ask my pastor questions that I thought were extremly important if I was going to be a priest. To almost every question, he said "your not suppose to know that...it is a mystery of faith". I could no longer go on and pretend that I was comfortable being a priest. I planned to drop out of the priesthood program, but I came to find out I had already been dropped. My psychological tests were not suddenly perfect, but in fact had been changed to state that I was "unbalaned" and that I lacked the necessary faith to continue in the program.

I finished the Book of Mormon and took the challange offered by the prophet Moroni in the last verses of the book. He said that if you desire to know the truth of the book, you must get on your knees and pray to Heavenly Father and He will manifest the truth unto you. I did just that, and I felt nothing.

"I saw a pillar of light..."

During my mission, I had alot of new converts tell me that it took a "special something" to trigger the feelings of the spirit. For me it was the same case. I met with the missionaries and they began to tell me about the life of Joseph Smith. They then recited his exeprience in the Sacred Grove. "I saw a pillar of light, exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which decended gradually until it fell upon me. When the light rested upon me, I saw Two Personages, whose brightess and glory define all description. Standing above me in the air, one of the Personages looked to me and said 'This is my Beloved Son; Hear him'". I knew at that very moment that what I was hearing was true. I felt the power of the Spirit enter into my heart and testify to me that what I was hearing was the truth. 1 month later, I was baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I remember that day well. I would guess that about 75 people were in attendance, from all over the Nashville Stake. Soon after, I was set apart as a "mini" missionary for the Nashville Mission. I came to know all the elders very well as I took them from place to place, went on exchanges, and sometimes spent the night in their homes. I knew I wanted to serve a mission. And I did. I will never forget the feeling in the MTC when I put on my nametag for the first time.

And so, that is my story. I hope and pray that in some way it will fill your heart with inspiration. Even though I am no longer a member of the church, it is something I will hold in my memory for all my life. I am so sad that the Church that I love does not love me in return for simply exercising a lifestyle which I know I had no control over. I will cover more about this in another topic. May God's blessings be abundent unto you