My resignation letter

I debated putting this post up. After praying about it, I decided that I felt it was something I should do. The following is my letter of resignation to the Church. I must preface it by saying this: I am still so blessed that I had a wonderful stake president who took the time to listen to me read this, and for the wonderful and Christ-centered counsel he offered.

"To my fellow Brethren of the High Council and Stake Presidency,

 I wish at this time to make a statement, as is my right and privilege directed in D&C 102:12-33, and in subsequent sections in the Doctrine and Covenants regarding excommunication and church discipline.

 Initially, I had prepared a very short statement expressing my concerns regarding this most difficult meeting, and what will turn out to be this, the most profound day of my life. However, as I re-read through it several times, and with the promptings of the Spirit, I have made several revisions, I stand before you now, broken and contrite. I have nothing left of myself, only what the Lord has spared.  I sincerely pray that you will open your spiritual hearts and ears to the power of the Spirit, and I pray that it will guide you as I hope it will guide me.  

 Let me start by saying that this is truly the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. At no time can I remember having to face such an endearing task as having to face you. For almost 3 months now, I have counseled and prayed with many people in an attempt to discern my thoughts into words. I have counseled with a former bishop who is in good standing with the Church. I have counseled with a former institute teacher who will forever have my un-ending respect, love, and admiration. And most of all, I have counseled with my Father in Heaven. I have had to dig deep into the depths of my soul, and pull out every muster of strength I have left in me, in order to do this here tonight.

 Upon knowing that both I and my partner Chris were being summoned to this meeting, we have had a lot of time to reflect. I often reflect on my long list of weaknesses.  I think my biggest weakness is my inability to forgive. So, it is what I must do in order to go on: I must forgive.

 I forgive my former bishops who refused to extend church funds to Chris when he needed to purchase life saving and necessary hearth medicine, stating that medicine is “not something the church provides money for." Yet, my ward helped a young girl get a new car because she was going through a "rough time". The ward took on all her debt, and she ended up getting a brand new BMW. How do I know this? Because I was the loan officer at the bank at the time the loan was processed. This is an act I never thought I could forgive, but I must if I am to proceed past this stage of my life and try to find peace outside the church.

 I know I can speak for Chris as well as myself when I say that we forgive those who

looked right at us and state that Jesus could not possibly know what we are going through as gay people because Jesus never atoned for this in the garden, and could not possibly love us. I have to believe that the God I have come to know through the LDS Church knows every pain and sorrow and experienced every human condition, including homosexuality. I forgive my bishop for, in almost a year and a half, never sending even one person from the church to see how we were doing. Not a Relief Society President, member of the Elders Quorum, missionaries, or home teachers. We have had no contact with the church, with the exceptions of meetings with the stake president, in all this time. I thought the church valued caring for those in need, especially the less active.

 I forgive myself for not living up to my covenants better. Now that I will never be able to go into the temple again, I wish that I had gone more often. I remember the day of my first endowment in the small, but beautiful Nashville, Tennessee temple. It was my ward’s temple night. They had arranged it so that only my ward would be there. I was surrounded my many close friends. The beauty of stepping through the veil and seeing so many loving and caring people in a room that appeared as Heaven itself is one I will never forget.

 After 10 years of the most intensive and invasive counseling you can ever imagine, I simply could not “become straight”. I was engaged to a beautiful woman once, but instead of take the lower path and lie to myself, my family, and most of all my God, I took the road less traveled, and had to admit who I was. And that truth is that I am a gay Christian, and a gay American. You can not imagine the burden, the trial, the heartbreak, and the despair this has caused.

 I have no idea what God is laying on your heart right now. Some of you may thing I am a terrible human being for my sexual orientation. Some of you may think I have no hope of redemption, of salvation, nor am I worthy of it. Some of you may have feelings of mercy upon me. I can only pray for the latter. And then, there may be some of you who go with the rest of our predominate culture here in Utah: being gay is a “choice”. Let me reassure you: this is not a choice, nor has it ever been.

 I never in my life chose this. Almost every gay person I know never chose this. While I did have some abnormal feelings growing up, I never associated them with being a homosexual. I dated women in high school. I fell in love in high school and looked forward to the prospect of getting married. When God called me to be a Catholic priest, my plans changed. I committed myself to celibacy and devotion to God. I found myself reading the Book of Mormon online, and once again my plans had changed. I went on a mission, and again devoted my life to the service of God. What an honor that was, and what stories I will forever hold in my heart.

 I was injured in the mission field and finished in the most beautiful of all places: the LDS Conference Center in Salt Lake City. I was fortunate and blessed enough to meet people all over the world and provide tours of that most beautiful of all buildings, and bear my testimony to the miraculous events that take place in there.

 I then did what every good returned missionary does, and I enrolled in BYU. And sure enough, my life changed, only this time in a direction I never could have imagined. The feelings began to suddenly grow very intense. I went to the best therapists, psychotherapists, and psychiatrist’s money could buy. I fasted and prayed in the temple so many times I grew to be on a first name basis with many of the workers. When I heard what the world thought of gays, I cried myself to sleep. Is this what I am? This deviant monster, this sex addict who is going to prey on young children? All I knew is that the world, especially the Mormons, HATED these people, and I was turning into one as my feelings grew stronger. I prayed to God. If this was so horrible, why would he not remove this burden from me? So I tried to remove it 4 times by my own means, each time landed me in the psychiatric ward of the hospital under suicide watch. Thankfully, I had a wonderful ward, close friends, and even closer bishops, who helped me through it all.

Again, let me tell you that this was not a choice for me. The American Psychiatric Association would be in agreement with me. In their pamphlet entitled “The APA Guide to Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality”, it states that, “Human beings cannot choose to be either gay or straight. For most people, sexual orientation emerges in early adolescence without any prior sexual experience. Although we can choose whether to act on our feelings, psychologists do not consider sexual orientation to be a conscious choice that can be voluntarily changed. Most scientists today agree that sexual orientation is most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental, cognitive and biological factors. In most people, sexual orientation is shaped at an early age. There is also considerable recent evidence to suggest that biology, including genetic or inborn hormonal factors, play a significant role in a person's sexuality.”

Nor do I have a mental disease. Homosexuality is not a disease or a disorder. You can not “catch” being gay or “contract” being gay, just like you can not “contract” being straight. Again, to quote the American Psychiatric Association, “All major professional mental health organizations have gone on record to affirm that homosexuality is not a mental disorder. In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association’s Board of Trustees removed homosexuality from its official diagnostic manual, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Second Edition (DSM II). The action was taken following a review of the scientific literature and consultation with experts in the field. Several homosexual test cases (patients) were given various forms of therapy, ranging from new forms of psychotropic drugs, to more radical forms such a genital shock treatments and aversion therapy. The experts found that homosexuality does not meet the criteria to be considered a mental illness since, in virtually every test case, the outcome was the same; all the patients were still declared to be homosexual. No change in their sexual orientation or sexual preference was found, thus concluding that this is not a rare form of mental illness, but genuine and appropriate form of living.”

 I was fired from a great job at the bank when they all of a sudden found out I was gay. I haven’t been able to find work in the financial sector since. My mother has since left the church because she hired an investment banker to handle her retirement accounts, who also happens to be a stake high councilman, and in turn embezzled $24,000 out of her account. I cry myself to sleep almost nightly. I have trouble talking to God anymore. Chris and I both have lost many friends. Chris’s family even disowned him and refuses to talk to him.

 So please, I ask you again, from me to you, all of us who are college educated and intelligent men, why would any person just simply  “choose” this lifestyle. I am not going to debate the APA’s findings on homosexuality. I am not even going to begin to try and figure out if people are born gay, or if it is acquired through a complex pattern of hormonal, genetic, and situational circumstances. All I know is that I am, and the only choice here involved serious consequences. As it has been suggested, and as I am fully aware under church doctrine, I can return to full fellowship if I cease all my contact with Chris, live a celibate life, or get married to a woman. Or, I follow what I believe God would want me to do, and be shunned and be un-welcomed by the very church I love so dear. Where is the logical choice? Where is the godly, Christian choice? I could never marry a woman I can not fully devote myself too, spiritually, emotionally, and sexually. I could never lean across that temple altar and be in the presence of my Savior and lie to him directly. I do fear the wrath of God, and it is something I could never do. But I also can not lie to myself. I love Chris with all my heart. But under the doctrine of the Church, you brethren are essentially telling me my love is a sinful, wicked abomination, and I must be punished. So again, what rightful choice is there?

 The love that I share with Chris is more than just a physical attraction based on a sexual relationship. It is based on something deeper, similar to Jonathan and David who loved each other as their own souls (1 Sam 18:1). The Bible even states that Jonathan removed his clothes for David (1 Sam 18:4), they kissed (1 Sam 20:40), and Samuel even states that his love for Jonathan is greater than that of a woman’s (2 Sam 1:26). Is this to be interperated as a homosexual act between two people, or as an expression to two people who truly loved each other? I rescued him from a very abusive home. I wanted him to feel safe when he come home from his job, and be in a good ward. At first, there was nothing physical, just spiritual. As we have grown to love each other as friends, we found that we needed each other for our emotional and spiritual needs. As I said, our relationship was never based on the stereotypical gay life that society has fashioned. We do not attend gay rallies and we do not march in parades. We try to legislate change through peaceful and effective channels. We do not drink, smoke, or go to clubs. We still try to be the best church members we can be. When I am need, Chris is there, and vice-versa. I recall in early December when I was severely sick from my mental illness. Chris wanted to give me an early Christmas give. We literally did not have enough money to pay the bills that month. My mother had literally wiped out her pension trying to help cover all the medical bills. He handed me this beautiful new book that had come out called “Reflections of Christ”, a series of photos depicting the life of Christ. I came to a picture of Christ wiping clay on the eyes of the blind man, and the caption simply said “HEALER,” Chris then bore a simple testimony to me about the love of God and he reassured me that we would somehow get though this difficult time.

Now, this ultimately doesn’t come down to gay vs. straight or secularism vs. humanism. This comes right down to the human heart. What is in mine, and what is in yours. I know that since Proposition 8, the Church has been wrestling with a PR disaster. Temples have been evacuated and churches shot up by fanatics. I have never, nor will I ever, condone such acts. While I was against Prop 8 and donated what little I had to see its defeat, I would never vandalize the church I love so dear. For the record, as if it improves our standing or weight by any means, Chris and I at no time ever attended, organized, or took part in any of the Salt Lake Temple protests, acts of threats or violence against church property.

While I do not condone or support any of these acts, I can certainly see the reason for the anger. You see, this isn't about yelling, rioting, and this certainly isn’t about politics. It’s not even about Prop 8 really. Yes, I do have a personal stake in because I am gay, and so is Chris. I don’t have to strain my brain long to think of a friend who isn’t. I have many personal stories of prejudice and discrimination pervading my life. 

 I just want to ask you all, who ultimately holds my fate in your hands, a question, because I truly, with all my heart, do not understand. And by my asking you this, I am by proxy asking the leaders of the Church.

 Why? Why does this even matter? How does the life I lead with Chris have any bearing on the lives you lead with your wives and family? How does it change the traditional definition of marriage? I was partnered with Chris on May 10, 2008 in a small ceremony. We do not have the rights of a genuine couple since we are not recognized by the state. We do however have powers of attorney. But what has happened as a result of our ceremonial union? Did the mountains come down and the stars fall from the sky? Did the seas boil and the sun turn to blood as Revelation predicts? As someone who loves to play cards, I think I could gamble and be about 99% sure that the answer is no. So again I ask, what is it to you? In this society of hate, impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, all we want are the same chances at permanence and happiness which is available to you. We don’t want to take yours away, nor do we want to take away any of your civil liberties. We want what you want—a chance to be a little less alone in the world.

 Only, the church said to me and millions of others- no. You can't have it on these terms. Maybe something similar, if you behave and act the way we tell you to, if you don't cause too much trouble. The only thing that I have in this world is someone I love, something that is truly pure and sacred, and you are saying, no, you can't share that.

 What if somebody passed a law that said you couldn't marry? What if by some odd chance a gay president took power and said that all straight marriages are officially rescinded, null and void? Could you even imagine the despair, the heartbreak, and the injustice of such an act? I don’t have to imagine. I know what it is like firsthand.

Ultimately, this was a matter that came down to the Constitution. The 14th Amendment of the document we Latter-Day Saints believe is a sacred document, declares that “all citizens of these United States shall not be denied due process under the law.” So you, as a straight person (aka traditional marriage) verses me (non traditional marriage) have more rights that I do simply based on something I have no control over? Where is Christ in this? Where is his love? Where is his justice? For the church truly acted as an out of state special interest group, an action which in ever way, was truly wrong.

 I don’t have to imagine. I live it every day. In our state, I am an “un-protected class of citizen” in the eyes of the law. I am not worthy enough to shine your shoes. I am not worthy enough to sift through your garbage. I am not even a human being: I am just simply gay.

 During the election, both sides used this term: "re-defining marriage”. If this country hadn't re-defined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967. If we hadn’t re-defined marriage, Italian Americans, Irish Americans, and Poles couldn’t marry in this country until 1935. If we hadn’t re-defined, Japanese Americans couldn’t marry White Americans until 1954 because the FBI still thought they were working for the Communists after the War. The parents of the President of the United States couldn't have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it's worse than that. If this country had not "re-defined" marriage, some black people still couldn't marry black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our nation’s history. Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not "Until Death, Do You Part," but "Until Sold Do You Part." Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized. You know, just like marriages today in California, and even in 42 states of this country, are not legally recognized, if the people are gay.

 We even use this term in our own church doctrine. Has we not "re-defined" the status of black people, they may still not be able to hold the priesthood. Throughout our history we have "re-defined" doctrine and policy. What saddens me most is that our church, so young compared to others, experienced the very same things gay people face today. Our pioneer brothers and sisters were driven out of their homes, their churches, their businesses. We were told that, because we were "different", we were not welcome. We had our women raped, our children displaced, and our men murdered. We were driven 2600 miles across this nation to find some peace and prosperity. We even had the governor of Missouri issue an extermination order against the Mormons. And now, as I feel so often, the very church that experienced these horrible acts, are committing them on its own members who happen to be gay. For I have been driven out. I have lost my job. I have been rejected by the very church I tried so hard to serve. I think that is what hurts most of all.

Uncountable in our history are the number of men and women who married on a whim in sham marriages, or marriages of convenience, or sometimes marriages from a drunken stupor, or just marriages of not knowing. There have been centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness, and who have, through a lie to themselves or others, broken countless other lives, of spouses and children, all because we said a man couldn't marry another man, or a woman couldn't marry another woman. Sadly so many Latter-Day Saint men and women who have lived this lie to their spouses and children have had those very lives destroyed, all in the name of a doctrine of "eternal family".

 Is this the sanctity of marriage? Is this what the Church fought so hard to protect? The Church must follow a lesson in semantics, because in every way, that is how we practice our doctrine. As has been affirmed by every prophet from Joseph Smith to Thomas S. Monson, our doctrine is one of realism, without grayness. We stand on certain principles without shame or question. So, because this is the case, then the Church ultimately upholds and defends these marriages. A marriage in Las Vegas in a rent by-the-hour chapel by a commoner who got his license of the internet to perform weddings....this is the traditional, sanctity of marriage that the LDS Church defends? 3 weeks prior to Prop 8 passing, an illegal alien from Mexico who was in Federal lockup in California for DUI was released from jail due to a “jury tempering technicality”, went out and got drunk again, and killed 4 people, including a 3 month old baby. He then got married to his sweetheart in prison. The sanctity of marriage…and the Church fought to defend this with over $50 dollars raised? Yet, my union, full of deep love and respect, is viewed as sinful, evil, and downright disgusting.

 So again I ask, what is this to you? Not I, nor the gay community, is asking you to embrace our expression of love. But please, don’t stop it. Don’t put up roadblocks and certainly don’t suppress basic human rights, the same rights Our Savior gave to us all. Isn’t the world barren enough? The world is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Marriages in our church only stand a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much we may feel and how hard we may work.

 And Chris and I are people who were overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, just for the hope of having that feeling.  With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, is this really what our religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadness, this is what your conscience tells you to do?

 Most of all, with all of the forces of evil that seem to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate... this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor our God and the love we believe he represents? Then spread love- this tiny, symbolic thing of happiness. Share it with all those who seek it. Quote me anything from the prophets the standard words telling you to stand against this.

 And so, I hope what I have said today has made some difference. Possibly, but for most I am sure not. But the real reason I have come today is to inform you of a very difficult decision I have had to make.  

 I have come here to state that I will not be facing this disciplinary council. Yesterday, I sent a notarized letter to the Member Records Division of the Church and officially declared my resignation as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know that by doing this, it hereby "cancels the effects of baptism and confirmation, withdraws the priesthood held by myself and revokes temple blessings.” You have no idea how much pain that causes me, since my baptism 7 years ago was the most beautiful thing I will ever experience in my life. I have been made aware of my rights via my attorney.

 I know that you may see my resignation as the coward’s way out, a complete disgrace to our church. That was not my intention. This is the single most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do. I rejected the lower road, and took the more painful route: penance and atonement, the way to grace.

I respectfully ask that you work with Member Records as quickly as possible to process this resignation. I also know under the law and Constitution of the State of Utah, and United States, that the moment I resigned 24 hours ago, I was no longer subject to any disciplinary councils, administrative proceedings, tribunals or judgments passed down from this or any church court. I am aware that I can no longer be “excommunicated” in addition to resigning. I have come here at my own free-will to address you because there were important things I wanted you to hear, and to hope to seek some closure to my life in the LDS Church. If any attempt is made to excommunicate me, I will unfortunately have to seek legal counsel. Please honor the laws of our state and let us be in tune with the words of Joseph Smith, “for friends were at first, and friends we are at last”.

 I truly feel like an author who is penning the last words of a remarkable novel, filled with beautiful stories which will be forever cherished. For indeed, this book of my life is closing forever, the life I lead as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I wish there could be a “to be continued” at the end, but sadly, it will close with a period, for there can be no more to come after this. But I know that as we leave here today and go our separate ways, life will go on, and tomorrow, the sun will rise. A new day will begin for me. Yes, it will be one of great sadness, but hopefully one that will present itself with new opportunities to serve, for what can never be taken away from me is my love of the scriptures, my faith in the Prophet Joseph Smith, my love of the word of God, and my testimony of the Book of Mormon. I will continue to read, ponder, and pray until my time on this earth comes to its end, and I know that I will be able to face my Lord and my Savior void of all offence, for I know that I did all that I could, and His grace will be sufficient for me. As the great hymn says,

                       "The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,

                        I can not, I will not, desert to his foes.

                        That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake;

                        I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never, forsake."

Truly, my time in the church can only be stated by the words of Oliver Cowdery: "these were days never to be forgotton". And so I say farewell to you, and to this beautiful religion that has taught me so much, and that I love so dear. I only wish it were able to love me as much in return.

Like most final words in a novel, they should be poignant and reflective of the entire work. I will end tonight on these beautiful poetic words by Marta Keen.

           “If you find it’s me you’re missing, if you’re hoping I’ll return,

            to your thoughts I’ll soon be listn’ning, in the road I’ll stop and turn.

            Then will the wind set me racing, as my journey nears its end,

            And the path I’ll be retracing will be homeward bound again.

            So bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plows,

            set me free to find my calling, and I’ll return, someway, somehow.”

Good bye and God Bless, and thank you for every great gift I have been given."